Saying Goodbye

Every time I meet a new man I always go in hoping he will be the final first date.  I always hope things will work out. I pray to every god known to man (because with my track record one god will never have enough power to change my luck) that this will be the start of something wonderful. So when I meet someone I get on with its a great start. You start looking forward, wishing hoping etc. Things move on and you continue to date each other. But then you start to notice that something just isn't right. That final piece of the jigsaw, the spark, isn't there. Try as you might you can't work out what it is that is wrong. If you get asked you can't put it into words.
These times are the worst. Two people had high hopes. Now someone has to whip the blanket out from under the other person and hurt them. I hate this more than anything. The thing is no one has done anything particularly wrong. You both like each others company, you laugh, joke, feel comfortable with each other. But deep down there is that nagging feeling. I know at that point if I continue dating this guy I will be miserable. In turn I will make his life miserable. I have to call time. I hate myself at this point.
Its easier to end it with someone for a definite reason. Be it they snore, they are rude, tight with their time or money, self centred, lazy or whatever. But to end it for what is at the end of the day just a "feeling" is heart breaking.  I probably come across as being a right heartless cow at this point to the other person. Its just I know the more time they spend with me stops them being able to meet the person they truly can be happy with.
Saying goodbye is tough. Moving on is tougher. In this day and age its so easy to check up on past loves, to put yourself through the emotional wind turbine when you see they are happy with someone else. You know in your heart that you couldn't make them happy, its still a feeling of being somehow broken. "Is it me that's damaged/in the wrong/too demanding?" flies through your head. You kick yourself for snooping in on them. But it doesn't stop you repeating the action again !

For various reasons I have this Year had to say "Goodbye" to a few people. In fact I doubt they will be the last ones I have to let go. So I have decided to be strong. I am going to wipe them from my phone, block them on Facebook and stop myself from looking back. Some people will remain in my life as friends. Others have become a noose around my neck. All those empty promises they made must be forgotten about. Stored in a box somewhere to allow me to move on. There have been times I wish I could name and shame a few people and shout from the roof tops "Oi you Mr (insert name). You are an arse. You hurt my feelings badly. Repeatedly. I was stupid to give you another chance. Now do one" But as much as I really want to, it doesn't achieve anything.

I have realised in writing this blog for the last few years it has helped me deal with things. These experiences become a story, not always with a happy ending mind you. But it makes it easier to deal with emotionally. Its not that I don' t take all this hurt seriously. I don't play with peoples emotions intentionally to write a story. It is just that it makes it easier to look back and end the chapter. Helps me leave the baggage at the last station rather than carry it with me to my next destination.

Runners and riders in this weeks dating grand national

So I find myself throwing myself back on the mercy of the dating sites. I have always used the same two main sites, dabbled around on a few others, but stick to these as they are free and generally well known. Some of the same faces are still there, but then so am I ! So as usual it starts with a mixed bunch - one random first message from one guy just said
" can i bite you"

Oh he had me swooning off my feet! Jerk ! At least show some effort and make the i a capital I, and the use of a question mark would be good !


My heart sank at the memory of how many lazy,rude blokes there are out there. But I rallied on and made some progress. I shall list this weeks contenders and a few that have fallen at the first post already. As my daughter claims I must have dated a guy from every letter of the alphabet (and a few repetitions of the same name!), I shall refer to them by initials!

S. He started off okay, but was on shaky ground with his previous form- only recently left the wife, currently living with parents. But he seemed to have stamina to keep up with the pack. Lost a few places with his suggestion of a first date on a Saturday night (every where is noisy and busy). Last heard of heading into town to meet his mates 3 days ago. Appears to have fallen at a fence and been put down.

R. Couldn't tell much by looking at him, his head guard(baseball cap) covered most of his face or pictures were too dark. Seemed okay over the first hurdles and then hit the water obstacle and drowned. He appears to have a phobia of anything non alcoholic/noisy when asked what do you do on nights out. His response was " I go see mates in Kent and usually end up getting wasted, though I'm not really a drinker. I'm an old skool raver so prefer good nights out.......( blah blah raves this,raves that),.. raindance ... I'm organising a night to Brighton head kandi then go to a proper club for an all nighter"   This bloke is 44 Years old. To me he sounds like he is trying to be a proper geezer ! Not my cup of tea at all.

P. Slow off the starting blocks with a day or so between first few messages. Then discover his main job is as a wedding dj so is pretty busy most weekends doing that. Lost a few places on the race course due to this. He is a dedicated dad with his kids living with him Monday to Friday. This could lead to problems in arranging time on the dating track and may become lame. Outsiders chance at the moment.

J. Recent addition to the dating national. Had listed he wasn't in for the long race, more a sprint short burst with high activity peaks and no commitment in between. Odds completely against this runner.

M. Had previous form a year or so ago. Saw his form back then and looked like it had potential. Two good runs out and then disappeared from the scene. Reemerged back on the circuit and promised a good sturdy race this time. Even stated he would attend a meet tonight, but has not been seen by his jockey since noon today. A doctors note will be required for him to re join the pack

G. Great starter. Instant wow factor. Appeared to get along with the jockey very quickly. Showed excellent potential in training on Thursday and Friday. Continual updates on his whereabouts, paid a lot of attention. Did admit he had other friend commitments over the weekend and asked to have a first real date on Wednesday. He nearly went off course when he flashed too much of his stallion in a video message, but appeared to have had a case of nervous excitement, so was let off with a warning. But appears to have gone off track. Not appeared for training or checked in since Saturday early evening before he went on a cross country course. If appearance is made tomorrow is likely to be pushed to the back of the pack. A serious investor such as myself should not be kept waiting for days on end. He should be chasing me.

So there we have it. Not a great bunch to start with, maybe more of a donkey
derby than a grand national ! Think I need to get some better carrots ! 

A case of not going out, not out out, but at all !

At my age I fully appreciate the fact that I am too old to be clubbing every weekend, or staying up to watch the sun come up, or getting drunk every Friday and Saturday night. BUT I still want to go out. You know, a nice meal, cinema, pub or bars even (so long as I don't feel like I am old enough to be every one else in there's mum ) or even just a walk in the countryside. But it appears the male species of the same age don't share this view.

 The last few guys I have met/dated (after a long chat with my dad we decided my last real love was 10 years ago, everything since then has been close friendship/ companionship, so they don't warrant being called real relationships, just dating) seem to all have the same lack luster approach to even venturing outside the house. They are all very quick to "get their feet under the kitchen table " and keep their arses on mine/their sofas. The whole going out seems to have stopped after the first (few if I'm lucky) dates. Don't get me wrong I enjoy sitting in watching a dvd,drinking a bottle of wine, etc. But I don't want to being doing that every night, or every weekend for the rest of my days. Especially not at a time when you should be going out having fun and enjoying each others company. One guy I recently met even thought it was acceptable to inform me that his youngest two children had come over and his 18 Year old daughter was also popping over, after I arrived at his flat (a 40 minute drive from mine). And this was only our third meeting ! To make matters worse after giving him another chance to redeem himself, the next time I drove down his mate was there ! Not exactly conducive to a romantic evening, especially when after his mate left his 18 Year old turned up again !

I don't expect to be going out every time I'm on a date, but I expect some sort of effort. To just turn up at my house, sit on my sofa, and play on your phone all night searching for Ebay bargains is not a good date. Its a piss take ! Or to be more interested in finding out if your ex is dating someone else than actually speaking to me is also not acceptable. Its also a bit hypocritical, when you had been seeing me for at least a month and a half and didn't think you should tell her about me! ( Don't worry at that point I had already come to my senses and finished it with him in my head. I just had to tell him !)

I don't think I'm being demanding. I think I just have some life left in me. As much as I want to settle down long term, I also want to have some fun enjoyable times. If I have to date and continue my search a lot longer to find a like minded man I will do. If that means I am classed as a serial dater then so what. At the end of the day I want to be happy. I can quite easily sit on my sofa with my dog if I want to stay home. Believe me she is probably more fun and better company than a lot of men I have had the misfortune of dating !

Missing- A key to the closet

I meant to write this blog months ago when it was fresh in my head, but I had a moral dilemma over it. As much as I have always said no matter how embarrassing the story is I will always write about it. I never mention names so no one can be embarrassed, but this one was really tough. I felt like I was crossing a line. But like everything it has a reason for happening, and in this case I think it serves as a privacy warning to us all. So I will start from the beginning, its only a short story, highly embarrassing all round, but might will make you chuckle- and me blush!

Once upon a time I received a message from a guy online. Lets call him Bob.  I checked out his profile- pictures a little bit grainy, no massive description, but nothing that should raise alarm bells or my excellent spidey powers.  So we started chatting- nothing deep and meaningful just the usual.  He didn't have any children, was not a massive football fan or beer drinking drunk, so when he suggested meeting for coffee on a Sunday lunchtime I thought what the hell I have nothing else planned. So we traded numbers.

That evening I was sofa surfing with my daughter and her boyfriend, watching the tele and just chilling out.  As a seasoned multi-tasker I started scrolling through my contacts on my phones  Facebook messenger.

Here's a tip for anyone who didn't know- the messenger syncs your phone contacts and adds to the list anyone on your phone to the messenger app if they have Facebook. They don't have to be on your friends list, but you can still see their public profile.

So suddenly up pops a name I don't recognise- for privacy sake lets say it said Shirley Temple. So obviously I take a look. I scroll through a few pictures, and can't seem to work out how I would know this person. So I decided to take a closer look at the pictures. It suddenly dawned on me that this woman, was or had been at some stage a man ! At this point my brain started working overtime. I started to scroll back across at the profile pics of Sundays coffee date and compare them to Shirley.
At this point my face was showing signs of confusion. So much so that my daughters boyfriend looked at me and asked if I was okay. I needed a second opinion, so I showed them the photos. They agreed with me that Shirley had to be him- the features matched up. I sat there in shock. Now I'm no prude, but to come across something like this was a bit mind blowing ! So I sent "Bob" a message. I explained I had been scrolling through my contacts and Shirley had popped up. It appeared to be connected to his phone number- how weird.   It took Bob an hour to reply.- actually just checked my phone- correction 2 and a half hours to reply. He said
 "That's strange. I did lend my phone to a friend the other week. They must have added my number to messenger and made a fake profile. Ill have to find out what they have done"
my reply- blunt I know but I was in shock
"Can't be that. This profile page has been running for a fair few years by the looks of it"
Another half hour wait and Bob texts back
"The only thing I can do is be honest and truthful. Yes I do cross dress. Yes I was going to tell you.  Shirley is my alter ego. Never realised that it matches up names and numbers on Facebook messenger.  I try to keep it a secret as family, friends and work don't know. If you feel that now u cant meet me I totally understand. Sorry again for telling a white lie."

At this point I kind of felt sorry for him.Poor bloke , some random woman has stumbled across his big secret.  I told him that as much as I admired his now honesty I didn't think I could handle it. He tried to persuade me that he now only dresses from time to time and he would try to make sure it didn't impact on my life. Thing is in my head I knew if I meet him I wouldn't be able to look at him without wondering or worst still giggling ! Plus how could it not impact on my life- he would have more lovely dresses than me and probably more shoes !


Once I got over the shock I called a very open minded male friend. Told him the story and showed him the pictures. His response -" He looks far better as a woman"  I hate to admit but I started to laugh ! It all suddenly seemed so funny. I have no issues with how anyone chooses to dress, or live or make themselves happy, just I wouldn't like to stumble across anyone's secret like that. It felt like I was invading their privacy.  The moral of this story is that everyone needs to keep a check on what they put out there on line. I am used to coming across peoples profiles of guys who are actually in relationships or have other names in real life to their screen dating profile, but a whole closet of secrets should be kept well hidden.